THE SINGLES COACH - Trisha Stone

Lessons From the Stars

LESSONS FROM THE STARS:

KYLIE SPLITS FROM HER PARTNER

Not that I really follow the celebrity news but I just happened to notice a couple of weeks ago that Kylie Minogue (38) has split from her boyfriend of 4 years, Olivier Martinez (42). What I found really interesting is that there are some issues attached to this story that you might find relevant to you.

BEING FAMOUS & BEING YOU

We know that celebrities often have turbulent personal lives. Even though Kylie is at the peak of her career playing to sell out audiences throughout the world and appears to have everything going for her, age, looks, lifestyle etc. making a relationship work still has problems. You are unlikely to be in the same position as her but some of her issues will be your issues. There are solutions when you allow yourself to become a “Conscious Dater”.

FIDELITY + HISTORY

It seems that what broke up the relationship, if you are to believe the media, was his lack of fidelity. Fidelity is often one of the main requirements that people have in a relationship. How can you prepare yourself for such a situation? Well, the preparation comes right at the beginning of the relationship. In relationships people tend to repeat their patterns until they become conscious about these and then make substantial efforts to change them.

When you first meet someone and they begin to tell you about their relationship histories this is the time to listen very carefully. Are they telling you that they seem to move from one relationship to another very quickly? Are their stories about why this kept happening plausible? If you try to put your heart on one side for a minute, no matter how much you fancy them, think about what was happening from the other person’s point of view. Where would you have been in a similar situation?  Is there more to this than they are allowing you to see?

Above all, if they come clean and tell you they have not been faithful to their partners in the past don’t let the blinkers of the first flush of the relationship overshadow your critical facilities. However much you hope you are “the one” and ignore that niggling voice believing that all you have to do is to dedicate yourself to them. Sorry to say that however much you hope things were or will be different this person is more than likely to repeat the patterns of their past with you as well. Only if they are really honest with themselves and are looking for lasting change is there any chance that things might turn out differently.

FUN & COMMITMENT

Kylie & Olivier went through some heavy stuff together, including her recovery from breast cancer, but still the relationship did not last. Reading between the lines, there seem to have been issues around fun versus commitment. A lot of people think that all they have to do is to keep faith with a relationship and it will turn into commitment. Unfortunately it does not seem to work this way - especially when it starts out as a fun relationship.

When I work with people I help them decide if they are looking for short-term recreational dating or a long-term committed relationship. It is up to you to decide, depending on where you are in your life. The important point is that the strategies are very different and recreational dating does not often convert comfortably to commitment. This is why many people who have been dating a long-time, and then decide to get married, end by splitting up. Your objectives with recreational dating or committed relationship are very different.

MY MESSAGE TO KYLIE

What Kylie needs to do right now is to take some space for herself and to think about what are her most important requirements and needs in a relationship. Clearly fidelity is on that list somewhere. There will be other unique requirements which for her characterise her perfect relationship. As for all of you your requirements are those “must haves” in a relationship without which it cannot work. Your needs are those emotional and functional parts that can be negotiated. I know that some people negotiate lack of fidelity but it is very hard work and often requires a lot of compromise.

MY MESSAGE TO YOU

The good news in all this is that you can learn from other people’s experiences if you use the information wisely. How often are you able to see what is going on with your friend’s relationships but get trapped in difficult situations yourself? This is where becoming a “Conscious Dater” comes in. The clearer you can become about recognising your own patterns and history the more likely you are to be able to change this. Your tools are your own unique list of requirements and needs.

No matter how beautiful, famous or successful you are it still works the same way. If you are looking for a long-term committed relationship get your pen and paper out and give it some serious thought. The work you are prepared to do whilst not in a relationship will reap the rewards when you are ready to find that special someone.

My "Conscious Dating" Journey

“Conscious Dating” has been going 10 years and its founder, David Steele, celebrated by awarding a “Conscious Dating” prize for the best dating/relationship story. This extract from Jeanette Ball’s honest account tells how it worked for her even in Australia!

My “Conscious Dating” Journey

"Conscious Dating…you mean, I had choices? David Steele (founder Conscious Dating) seemed to think I did. This looked like a recipe for success – and I was convinced enough to give it my best shot. Oh, all right, I was desperate..."

Ever see that scene in The Mission where Robert DeNiro, playing a penitent slave-trader and murderer, hauls a great trail of clanking armour and other metal paraphernalia up a vertical cliff-face? Well, that was me.

No, I hadn’t murdered anyone – not that it hadn’t entered my head. But by the time I embarked on my Conscious Dating adventure I was dragging along a history of:-

• Husband number 1: Mr. “He’s The One.”
• Husband number 2: Mr. “Close My Eyes and Hope For The Best.”
• And finally Husband number 3: Mr. “What The Hell Was I      Thinking?”

All of which explains my bumper sticker at the time:

“My next husband will be NORMAL”

Ah, normality; if only it was that easy to find. All I ever wanted was to be part of something that some sane adults are trying to get away from- being a boring old married couple. But at 45, this seemed further away than ever.

Perhaps the clanking was giving me away?

Yes, I did have friends who thought I was insane to try again. But as Clint Eastwood would say: “There is only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.” Yo, Clint! I don’t believe in living together, so my unfortunate dating life turned into serial murderous monotonous monogamy, as I married one after the other and ended up with cloned domestic tyrants. Next time, however, would be different. I had it all figured out. When I met him, I would immediately hand over half of my assets. Then with that out of the way, we would divorce, start dating and then get married. It had to work – I was out of options.

About this time My Fairy Godmother (MFG) showed up. I was in my office, half way through a game of solo Scrabble when she slid in on a moonbeam, overshot the window sill and demolished my game. Time had not been kind to her – even by candlelight, she was plump, wrinkled and cranky. She was also 45 years late – but I knew my luck was about to change. I clutched her in a headlock and demanded she do something about my woeful relationship history. Once she’d staggered over to the computer and Googled ‘Conscious Dating’ I let her go. Conscious Dating…you mean, I had choices? David Steele seemed to think I did. This looked like a recipe for success – and I was convinced enough to give it my best shot. Oh, all right, I was desperate.

Hmmm- let’s see…‘Dating doesn’t work’...

Unfortunately, for me, this needed no explaining. Dating had not only caused my assets to be divvied up three times already, but I’d already taken on a gambler, a religious crank, a pill-popper, a mommy’s boy, and a rage-aholic. And that was just my second husband. Add to that a womanizer, and a cop with a Hitler complex, and you can see why my children begged me take up an easier addiction.

‘Being Single Is An Opportunity!'...

Ah, now this one I had a running start on. I had spent the previous two years working my way out of co-dependence. The impetus was a writer who stated that most co-dependent women never break free, and eventually die of their addiction - usually from chronic stress. As a woman who does not shy away from challenges (see above, under ‘Dating doesn’t work’) I tackled this head on. People don’t develop co-dependency on their own – criminal treatment of a child belonged in court, so that is where I went. Desperation to get my life on track gave me the courage I had lacked for 35 years. Yes! Yes! Yes!

It was the first time I had ever owned my life. Scary – but as they say, life is not a dress rehearsal.

‘First Principle of Conscious Dating: Know Who You Are And What You Want’

Of course! Make an inventory, write a life plan and go from there. Easy. Time consuming, but easy. Ok, this is me, this is where I am going, and this is what I want, this is who I need … After two hours I had …(drum roll)…My Life in Three Pages! MFG was dozing by now, looking for all the world like a garden gnome in drag. “Next!” MFG startled then scowled, eyed me suspiciously and grumbled something about a slave-driver. The wand glowed – and across the room the scattered Scrabble letters came clattering together.

‘LEARN HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT’

Sounded good. I knew I needed to get a handle on this whole dating business.

Of course! The marriage market is a market like any other. Finding the right person comes down to a numbers game. Ah, now that I understood. Somehow I had spent a decade working in recruitment and never realized the similarities. Advertise, cull, interview, trial. Standing in front of my jobseeker groups I would tell them – you have to make 100 contacts, to achieve 10 interviews, to get 1 job. Pace yourself – it will happen, IF you put the work in. Want to recruit a life partner? Scout, Sort, Screen and Test!

By George, I’d got it!

”BE THE CHOOSER”

Be the Chooser. Ah, what a novel idea! This was a concept easy to like. Waiting for a prospect to interpret your interest correctly and then make all the right moves is like hopping into a taxi and expecting the driver to guess your destination. Sort of like “I am woman – hear me drop hints.” What a relief to see an end of all the waiting, hoping and nail-biting.

Bless you David Steele, bless you, bless you, bless you!

Oh, yes, I could see that now. When you first marry, you marry for love. All the ideals, hopes and dreams of youth converge on that single day when you pledge “I do – for the rest of my life”. And you mean it. Your love will conquer the world. You will grow old together, smiling and holding hands and looking more alike every year. After all, you have so much in common: 1) You are both young, and 2) You are both broke. You just know that life will get better and better.

But life has a habit of getting in the way of our best laid plans. One day you wake up and it is over.

Second time around, with seven years of singlehood in between, I took the plunge again. None of this ‘fall in love’ business. That is what did me in last time. Nope, head decision – I will fall in love after the wedding.

Except shortly after the wedding, my hubby was captured by aliens. In his place they left a look-alike that snarled, sulked and frequently ran home to mother. My final ultimatum was to choose between his temper and me. WARNING: do not try this at home if you have fragile self-esteem. My subsequent remarriage was a triumph of stupidity over commonsense – reminiscent of Groucho Marx’s claim of having worked his way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

OK, so I’d tried using my heart, then my head, then nothing at all. Now Conscious Dating was telling me I could learn to use both. At the same time. I could do that.

Like Attracts Like

Yes! My own experience was proof of this. My last husband had turned up when I was ill, out of work, and broke. He was so bad he should have come with a warning. He didn’t like himself either – like Groucho he wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept him as a member. To get a quality mate, I had to be a quality person in as many ways as I could.

“Full instructions appear later!”

Be Ready And Available For Commitment

Create a Support Community

Gain Relationship Knowledge and Skills

Practice Assertiveness

Be A Successful Single

Somehow I knew he was right. He was out there. But it wasn’t time to find him just yet - I had some practice to do. So over the next 18 months I honed my skills – always making it clear to a prospective date that I was open to, but not seeking, a permanent relationship at that time. What can I say? I got good at it! And it was fun. Knowing I had choices, and that I could attract the kind of man I was seeking, was liberating. My HR skills paid off handsomely as I ‘interviewed’ one candidate after another. I learnt what I liked and what I didn’t; how to spot the red flags that indicated a second round interview wasn’t warranted; and how to care for my own best interests. Careful vetting of my (largely) internet dating contacts meant I never had an unpleasant experience. So many men – so little time!

But one day I felt I was ready. As I logged in one evening, I closed my eyes in a quick prayer: “Lord, I have done enough dating and I am ready. Tonight lead me to the one I have been looking for all along”. That is when I found David. From first contact he was besotted and determined to have me. In true Conscious Dating style, I placed him on the list of ‘possibles’ and kept meeting other people! I was still learning to like safe, normal and sane, and it took longer than I had thought. But each time I wavered I would go back to my essential requirements of a mate – this kept me on track and ensured ultimate success. And I was diligent about guarding my own heart. No commitment of any sort until all the information I needed was in! Luckily, David is a man who relishes a challenge. He showed remarkable patience and wisdom in adapting himself to my dating schedule and didn’t panic even though it was another ten weeks before I removed my profiles from the dating sites and said, “OK, let’s give this a go”. I was willing to walk away in a heartbeat if necessary – something totally beyond me before I learnt about Conscious Dating, but so empowering now knowing that I could do it. But he never gave me cause to doubt him in any way – and in the end, love won out. David was not the one I thought I would love, but he was the one I needed to love. I had finally developed a taste for a sweet, kind man who just wanted to love me till death.

Almost two years later we tied the knot to the joyous chorus of our guests: "We your family and friends now pronounce you MARRIED!”.

The joy of that day has only grown with the passage of time – together we have faced many of life’s challenges and continue to adore and cherish one another. My husband is a quiet, loving man not given to displays of strong emotion. During courtship he was a man who loved constantly - as freely and devotedly as a child. There is a saying that goes: ‘No man is worthy of your tears – and the one who is will never make you cry’. There is only one time my husband has ever made my heart ache, and that was the morning after our wedding. We’d reached “Wildernest” our honeymoon mountain retreat, unpacked our things and stopped to breathe deeply of the cool mountain air. Outside the bellbirds’ calls echoed from peak to peak, the morning mist was still rising from lush rainforest gullies. Here I could feel a gentle peace casting solace over the fierce joy and solid assurance his love had brought to my life. I reached for his hands and finally told him – told him so he surely understood: “You know, I really DO love you”. His eyes brimmed with sudden tears, and I felt ashamed. It had been a long journey for him, with no guarantees his love would be returned, but he chose to love anyway. This was the man I needed – he had proven it endlessly over the two years since we’d met, and unfailingly in the years ever since. As I say to my darling husband now: “Sweetheart, of all my husbands, you are the most recent!” No really – he’s a keeper, this one. In fact, though it’s taken 4 weddings, he is the only real husband I have ever had.

---

Postscript from Jeanette:

Dear Reader,

You can see why I am so grateful  for the principles of Conscious Dating, which gave me the recipe for success after so many awful failures. I can laugh about them now, but you can appreciate that up until I met David I had a very pain-filled life.

Have you ever had bad toothache for days? Then you go get it fixed, and the next morning you wake up with this wonderful sense of relief... I wake up everyday and feel that relief.

It's God's work that David Steele and Conscious Dating are doing - nothing less. Saving people from heartache is just a big as finding a cure for cancer. Fair dinkum - oops - Aussie expression! You can see why I love spreading the news...

Sincerely Yours,

Jeanette Ball
NSW, Australia

Riding the Internet Dating Rollercoaster

THE INTERNET DATING ROLLERCOASTER:

7 WAYS TO EVEN OUT THE RIDE

THE FIRST BIG STEP

You have made the big decision. You have signed up with one of the internet dating sites and are not alone. 80% of people over 38 who are actively seeking relationships are using the internet to meet potential partners. But no one really tells us how to deal with it. It is a new phenomenon in our lives and certainly very different to being introduced by a friend or meeting through shared interests.

You have spent hours pouring over your profile and have even had a couple of friends look at it for you. You have tried to hone every facet of your personality into a few paragraphs, attempted some humour and tried to be open (but not too revealing!) you have tinkered for long enough and have posted yourself along with those thousands of others. Perhaps you have also been brave enough to find a photograph – they say it makes a big difference to the numbers of replies that you receive. 

1. Congratulations - this is a bold step. Now stay in charge of the process

ANTICIPATION, ANTICIPATION, ANTICIPATION

However hard you try to be realistic everyone, on registering, will have some level of excitement at the anticipation of meeting someone on-line. We have heard all the stories, perhaps you have a friend or colleague who has met someone special this way and you want it to happen for you, too. You initially scan through the pages of potential people and begin to build up fantasies about who these people might be, and whether they might be interested in you. All this creates quite a head of steam and your rollercoaster ride has begun. Initially you find yourself logging on often to see if you there are any messages.

2. Put some boundaries around the time that you spend on the internet. It can easily become a compulsion.

SHALL I WAIT OR SHALL I POST - SENDING MESSAGES

Are you going to wait to see if people respond to your profile or wait until someone sends a message to you? The halfway house is tagging someone as a “favourite” (or whatever that particular site’s version of this is). Inevitably, and this is particularly difficult for women, you decide to send a message. For some reason there is still, even in this internet age, a notion that the men should make the first approach and women worry about being seen as too pushy/forward if they send the first message. Here is a good moment to pause. Think about it, you have signed up; the purpose is to meet someone.  That is the aim of the site so why would you play the role of reluctant flower and wait for someone to choose you?

3. Always be THE CHOOSER, there is a difference between being pro-active on your own behalf and being pushy. Learn the difference and respond to the people who welcome this.

THE WAITING GAME - GETTING/NOT GETTING RESPONSES

Now you may expect it to happen all at once, in fact some people find that when you are new to a site there will be a flurry of activity. Watch this, there are many who scan for new people and will ‘flirt’ with anyone even without reading your profile. Take it slowly in the beginning, yes it is beginning to feel like the rollercoaster is going up at a fast rate. A ‘real person’ has responded to you, so it must mean something. No -unfortunately it doesn’t mean anything at this stage. Here is where you really need to keep the emotional brakes on. It is so easy to build up the fantasies into really big bells and whistles visions of your future together. 

On the other hand there might be a giant silence from the other end of the net; can you feel the rollercoaster taking a dive? Above all remember to live a life whilst you are waiting. Don’t stay in all evening next to the computer in the hope that a reply will come through. Isn’t it inevitable that the person you may have sent a message to has a life too and they have not seen your message yet or had the time to consider a response? Just because you have sent a message doesn’t mean that you will get a response. Sad but true, you will soon learn that many people on these sites never respond and are just there to browse. Also not everyone who has a profile is a paid up subscriber to the service.

4. Stay realistic, get on with your life and have the internet site be just one of the things that you are doing to meet possible dates.I CAN’T BELIEVE IT - INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSES

Yes it happens more often than we all would like, especially to women. That completely inappropriate response to your initial message, either it is over the top sexual innuendos or the other person is in love with you already and wants to meet you immediately. Time for those rollercoaster brakes again. Obviously the sexual innuendo may appear flattering but is this the first expression of interest you would like? Similarly someone who wants to immediately meet is probably erring on the ’too eager‘ side and your antennae should be up. 

5. Don’t fall into the trap that any reply is better than no reply at all. If it does not feel appropriate to you for whatever reason do not pursue.

CAN THEY BE BOTHERED – LACKLUSTRE RESPONSES

But much of the time you will probably receive rather lacklustre responses. This can be a disappointment in itself. After all, you have tried to send them an interesting, maybe witty reply with some questions and are hoping to find out more about them. What you get back neither responds to your questions nor asks anything about you. So why would you be interested in someone who is clearly not interested in you?

6. Don’t hope that this person will change. If they are not interested in you right now, when will they be? Ditch the boring ones immediately. Don’t settle for less than you really want.

IS IT ME?

How are you feeling now? I imagine a bit battered. You have been up and down that rollercoaster a number of times, you don’t know how long the ride is and you want to get off. Do give yourself a break. You don’t have to keep going endlessly. In fact when you start out decide how long you are going to subscribe for. In the beginning 3 months might be long enough and then have a break.

More importantly remember that your success with internet dating is not about who you are but about how you approach the whole experience. You can feel vulnerable, after all you have put yourself out there in front of goodness knows how many people. If you have not been successful it is not about you as a person but about the randomness of the whole internet dating process. Because of that it is essential that you hold the process as lightly as you can. By this I mean not allowing the rollercoaster to govern how you feel about yourself.

7. Remember these people don’t know you but just a 10 second impression of who they think you are. Stay bold and authentic to yourself.

HOW TO IRON OUT THE LUMPS & BUMPS

If you want to have a less bumpy ride stay in control of the process. Decide what your boundaries are around the time that you spend online. Focus on the kinds of people that interest you - not just the photographs. Write yourself a list of 5 deal makers and 5 deal breakers for you with internet dating. Ultimately be the one that chooses and to take breaks. Remember you are the person your friends know.

 

© 2006 Trisha Stone

Transform Your Humdrum Life

 

Transform your humdrum life in 5 steps

 You are a single woman who is frustrated because your life and relationships are humdrum and mundane. Time to make some changes. What are you really passionate about? What makes your heart sing? Are you waiting for a relationship to make your life begin? It’s time to step out of your comfort zone and begin to live a life that has energy and momentum.

Step 1 – Move out of Indecision

As a singles coach many of the women I speak to are indecisive about their lives and particularly about relationships. They seem to be in a rut and don’t know how to find the time, energy or focus to be any other way

Ask yourself the questions; is my life as I would like it to be? Do I have a picture of how I want my life to look in a year, 2 years, and 5 years? I suggest that if you want your life to be different you first have to start with your own vision. Part of this vision will probably include a relationship.

Step 1 is to build your vision, give yourself time and space to do this – get yourself a notebook, look at all areas of your life, including relationships, and write down how you would life to look.

Step 2 – Moving from trying to doing

Part of the problem for single women is that they do not know how to make the changes in their attitudes and actions. Quite a lot of the time I hear women say that they will ‘try’ to do something. Have you ever “just tried” to pick up a cup? “Just trying” ends in failure because you will not complete the action.

So now you have a vision - how are you going to make it happen? How are you going to convert “trying” into “doing”?

Step 2 is about learning not just to dip your toe in the water but to take the plunge. Look at the work you have done on your vision and ask yourself “What is the one thing I can do today which will move me towards that vision?” This action will often be very small but it is a step taken and achieved.

Step – 3 Change

Change is not half-hearted, it has energy and dynamism. It is about having a headline for your life that says “I know where I am heading and I am walking in that direction”. So in Step 2 I talked about taking the first steps. Although these may be small at first the aim is for you to get your life in motion and find more energy for yourself.

Step 3 is about how to find that energy. If you want to achieve lasting change in your life you are going to have to feel successful in the steps you are taking. What are you really passionate about that you are not doing now? What makes your heart sing? I suggest you concentrate on those areas of life that will bring you the biggest gains first. That means not necessarily looking at the relationship part first, but perhaps looking at those parts that you can achieve on your own.

Step 4 – Commitment to yourself first

Guess what, you need to fix your life first and a relationship that you desire will follow. This sounds like a tall order but I can assure you it works like that. Your first commitment is to yourself and getting all the pieces of your life in order so that you can have the future that you desire. How can you keep that commitment?

Step 4 is you putting your agenda at the top of your list of priorities. This is not about being selfish but about being self-focused and self-disciplined. For example, you have promised yourself that you will do a particular task that will move you towards your vision. A friend phones, she is lonely and would like to meet for a drink. It is easy for you to give up on your task,  you want to be a good friend - but it is more important to remind yourself about your priorities. After all, you can meet her tomorrow night. So don’t be distracted from those things that move you further down your path.

Step 5 – Making a plan and sticking to it.

It is so easy to let life get in the way and find yourself back where you were. Therefore the most important part is having a plan for your life and for relationships that will keep you focused on moving forward.

My suggestion is that Step 5 is for you draw up a plan. It will have different areas for the different parts of your life. Then ask yourself, “What can I do this week, this month, in the next 6 months to move forward? Now it is time to make appointments with yourself, put your tasks in your diary. Be kind to yourself and don’t make them too big or too many, just slow and steady. See yourself being successful as you tick them off week by week. Don’t forget to celebrate your successes.

 

 

Dating/Relationships & Independence

Dating/Relationships & Independence:

Women over 35 keeping life in balance

How do you find the balance between your own independent life and being in a relationship? For some women this is about facing your worst fear that you will somehow lose yourself along the way. You can find out how to make sure that you don’t give up on yourself whilst being in a relationship. Five surefire ways of keeping you independent and happy whilst dating and finding a relationship that is the right balance for you.

Women wanting a relationship

At least 50% of the women over 35 whom I coach say at some point, rather defensively, “I want to do this coaching work with you but I don’t really know whether I want to be in a relationship”. They are defensive because they think that everyone is expected to want to be with a partner. That is how the world appears, especially when we are single. Interestingly this is not the whole of the story. When I dig a little deeper what usually comes up is that for many women their worst fear is that they don’t want to lose their independence. You have all worked hard to gain your independent place, especially those in their 30s, 40s, 50s & 60s. This of course is not only in relationships but also in the world of work. For many women when they have got used to being single they are, on many levels, very happy with their lives. “I like being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, without having to ask anyone else’s permission.” said Emily a divorced women in her 50s.  “I spent so many years being at the beck and call not only of my husband but also my children, they are grown up and it is now time for me”. We can all sympathise with her. 

Women want independence & relationships

In fact, many women come to me to find out is whether they can find the kind of relationship that they want whilst still retaining their independence. Like everything in life it is about balance. Relationship coaching does not mean that we don’t look at the whole picture of your life. No relationship will work if you are not in balance with yourself. Now you may have got very used to ‘doing your own thing’ but there remains a niggling doubt. That little voice is saying “Why can’t I have all this and have a relationship too”. Well the answer is that it is possible and I help women achieve that. It is especially important that you first become clear about what you want to retain about your independence and what you are looking for in a relationship.

What must be in place for a relationship to work?

What you must become clear about is what elements of your independent life you want to retain. Think about what are the ‘must haves’. These may be things like time, certain kinds of space and a certain amount of time to spend with friends and family. You get the idea. Once you are completely clear what these are you start to have a blueprint for the life you want to have with someone else. Equally make a list of what it is that you want from the relationship. Remember these days there are all kinds of relationship arrangements - they are not all live-in married partnerships. 

How to keep your relationship boundaries intact

What is most important is that you are conscious about your boundaries in a relationship. Getting the balance right can be difficult, but if you have articulated for yourself your own ‘must haves’ you will be in a much stronger place. This might sound very contrived but think about it. When you go out to buy some new piece of kitchen equipment you will have spent some time thinking about what functions you want it to have. There are100s of different kinds of washing machine out there but if you have your ‘must haves’ clearly listed then it is going to make the process much easier. I know this sounds like finding a relationship is like going shopping. Well it is in a way, and don’t we all love shopping? Remember this is about you being The Chooser, that is one of the ways that you retain your independence and don’t get swept away in the moment.

1. Make your ‘must haves’ list for your independent life

2. Make a list of your requirements in a partner

3. Remain The Chooser when dating and finding a relationship

4. Stick to your lists – share them with a friend and get them to remind you if you start to slip

5. Learn to say ‘no’ early in the relationship if things don’t fit – they won’t change just because you hope they will!

 

5 Biggest Internet Dating Mistakes

5 Biggest Internet Dating Mistakes
& Their Solutions

Dating after a divorce is tough. Let’s face it getting back into dating at any time is a minefield. You don’t quite know where to start so here are a few internet dating mistakes and their solutions.

1. Too much too soon

So you have been ploughing through those endless profiles on your internet dating site and have come up with someone who interests you. There has been an exchange of emails. He sounds fun and witty and you begin to look forward to his messages. You find yourself getting up earlier in the morning just to log on whilst you drink your coffee to see if he has sent a response to your latest remarks. During the day you compile witty replies in your head and suggestive lines to throw his way. This has gone on for a couple of weeks and he suddenly asks if he can call you. Your chest expands; you are really excited and arrange a time. Now you are curled up in your favourite chair waiting for the call. Guess what it goes well, the same light banter, his voice is not what you expect but that is OK. You talk for an hour. This becomes a daily ritual which you begin to plan your time around. And then he invites you to dinner…

2. Throwing money at it

It has been a while since someone invited you out to dinner (you may be just starting dating after your divorce). Your immediate thought is what to wear, need my hair done etc. This means that you spend the best part of a week running around with the one thought in your mind “I must get this right”. You seem to have disappeared and you feel that you need to invent a new person to go on this date. In order to be that person you have to package yourself in some particular way. There must be some key that you can find, a particular dress, new haircut etc. You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing.

3. Thinking that you know the person

The evening has arrived and you meet at the arranged restaurant (good step, as all the dating advice recommends that you meet in a public place). You are especially nervous and excited but also slightly uncomfortable because the shoes are new and you feel a bit wobbly in them. It is strange you recognise this person but at the same time you don’t. The voice you know that but he does not look like the person in the photograph, taller, shorter a bit heavier or gangly something is not as you imagined. Anyway he seems quite at ease but maybe that is just a contrast to how you are feeling. Initially conversation is going well as there are points of contact from your previous conversations but it isn’t going anywhere. By the main course you are starting to drink a little too much to fill in the silences. Your feet really hurt now and you are taking surreptitious glances at your watch – only 9 o’clock. No dessert thanks and by the way you have an early start in the office tomorrow so you have to go soon. Can’t think of anything but getting out of the shoes. Yes it was good, do call me…

4. Fantasy – it’s only in your head

Next day or later in the week, the emails/calls are still coming and you continue to respond. It’s a though you have never met and you can get on with the easy going repartee that has become almost a habit. In your mind he is something you want him to be, well not quite but you can have yourself believe that he is whilst you exchange messages and late night calls. You are starting to develop a whole life in your head around this person, you imagine where you can live with him, what you will do, holidays together in fact everything you ever want with someone. This is taking up a lot of head space but that is enjoyable in itself, you feel connected to someone if only in your mind.

5. Not paying attention to the signals

A week or so more and you are becoming slightly irritated by the emails and are not responding quite so readily. But he asks you if you want to come out for another evening and that heart leaps to your throat again. You agree even though there is a vague memory of discomfort from the first meeting. Well you remind yourself that all the dating advice recommends that it is about getting to know someone. I can’t expect to feel comfortable about everything immediately. He is suggesting dinner again, you don’t really want to but you are not sure what you want to do so you go along with it. You had arranged to see a girl-friend that night but you tell her you can’t make it, she seems a bit put-out but you put that thought aside.

The second evening seems very long.

• Too much too soon – It is so tempting to put all your focus on one person at a time when you are looking to date on the internet. But it is important to remember that not only are all those people out there looking at numerous people at any one time but you could be too. If you put most of your time and energy into any one contact at a very early stage this means that you cannot scout, screen and sort other possible people.

Dating Advice: Don’t make a big investment emotionally in any relationship without solid foundations.

• Throwing money at it - Recent research has revealed that online daters are spending up to £1,500 a month taking out people who they realise, after the first 15 minutes are not for them. (Independent, June 2005) Remember be authentic, the packaging is only that and is not who you are. Meeting for a cup of coffee or a drink will give you enough time to   assess whether this person is someone you want to know better.

Dating Advice: Packaging is not the answer, be clear about who you are, what you want in a relationship and set about finding it in a considered way.

• Thinking you know this person – We can easily be seduced by email conversations and late night telephone calls. Apart from the actual chemistry that is missing in these exchanges there is that part that you know very well yourself, where you just reveal what you want at any given time. If you know what your requirements are in a relationship this will help you assess quite quickly if this person is for you. Most of us allow things to just drift along and are not pro-active in having a plan for ourselves when it comes to relationships.

Dating Advice: How is it we plan for everything except relationships? Take some time to plan what you want in a relationship before you get into a habit or rut with someone.

• Fantasy – it’s only in your head – It is very easy to live in the fantasy of a relationship even from a very early stage. After all that is why you have signed up on the dating site in the first place – you want a  relationship.  However, being truthful with yourself is easier if you have a relationship plan. Then you can ask yourself, from the information you have so far, does this person tick some of my boxes. If so then you can continue to find out more about them whilst finding out about other people at the same time. Projecting onto any one person, especially at a very early stage, all you hopes and dreams is likely to bring you some amount of pain and heartache when you find this isn’t going to work out.

Dating Advice: Spread the emotional load by giving your attention to a number of people, it helps deal with the ups and downs of the dating cycle if you are not exclusive right from the start.

• Not paying enough attention to the signals – it is amazing how quickly we can get ourselves into habits and relationships, however new, are one of those areas. We all like attention and contact with people but what about the rest of your life, those friends who have been around for you, your family. Anyone who might be for you will, you hope, want to share life with a person who has a balanced life and that includes all the other     activities and people in your life. Straining towards exclusivity at a very early stage and throwing all your time and attention towards the relationship can be a disaster.

Dating Advice: Get out there and have any dating and relationships fit in with your life as a successful single. Know what your requirements, needs and wants are and look for someone who can meet these. 

© 2006 Trisha Stone