LESSONS FROM THE STARS:
KYLIE SPLITS FROM HER PARTNER
LESSONS FROM THE STARS:
KYLIE SPLITS FROM HER PARTNER
"Conscious Dating…you mean, I had
choices? David Steele (founder Conscious
Dating) seemed
to think I did. This looked like a recipe for success – and I was convinced
enough to give it my best shot. Oh, all right, I was desperate..."
Ever see that scene in The Mission where Robert DeNiro, playing a
penitent slave-trader and murderer, hauls a great trail of clanking armour and
other metal paraphernalia up a vertical cliff-face? Well, that was me.
No, I hadn’t murdered anyone
– not that it hadn’t entered my head. But by the time I embarked on my
Conscious Dating adventure I was dragging along a history of:-
All of which explains my
bumper sticker at the time:
“My next husband will be NORMAL”
Ah, normality; if only it was
that easy to find. All I ever wanted was to be part of something that some sane
adults are trying to get away from- being a boring old married couple. But at
45, this seemed further away than ever.
Perhaps the clanking was
giving me away?
Yes, I did have friends who
thought I was insane to try again. But as Clint Eastwood would say: “There is
only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll
get married again.” Yo, Clint! I don’t believe in living together, so my
unfortunate dating life turned into serial murderous monotonous monogamy, as I
married one after the other and ended up with cloned domestic tyrants. Next
time, however, would be different. I had it all figured out. When I met him, I
would immediately hand over half of my assets. Then with that out of the way,
we would divorce, start dating and then get married. It had to work – I was out
of options.
About this time My Fairy
Godmother (MFG) showed up. I was in my office, half way through a game of solo
Scrabble when she slid in on a moonbeam, overshot the window sill and
demolished my game. Time had not been kind to her – even by candlelight, she
was plump, wrinkled and cranky. She was also 45 years late – but I knew my luck
was about to change. I clutched her in a headlock and demanded she do something
about my woeful relationship history. Once she’d staggered over to the computer
and Googled ‘Conscious Dating’
I let her go. Conscious Dating…you mean, I had choices? David Steele
seemed to think I did. This looked like a recipe for success – and I was
convinced enough to give it my best shot. Oh, all right, I was desperate.
Hmmm- let’s see…‘Dating doesn’t work’...
Unfortunately, for me, this
needed no explaining. Dating had not only caused my assets to be divvied up
three times already, but I’d already taken on a gambler, a religious crank, a
pill-popper, a mommy’s boy, and a rage-aholic. And that was just my second
husband. Add to that a womanizer, and a cop with a Hitler complex, and you can
see why my children begged me take up an easier addiction.
‘Being Single Is An Opportunity!'...
Ah, now this one I had a
running start on. I had spent the previous two years working my way out of
co-dependence. The impetus was a writer who stated that most co-dependent women
never break free, and eventually die of their addiction - usually from chronic
stress. As a woman who does not shy away from challenges (see above, under
‘Dating doesn’t work’) I tackled this head on. People don’t develop
co-dependency on their own – criminal treatment of a child belonged in court,
so that is where I went. Desperation to get my life on track gave me the
courage I had lacked for 35 years. Yes! Yes! Yes!
It was the first time I had
ever owned my life. Scary – but as they say, life is not a dress rehearsal.
‘First Principle of Conscious Dating: Know Who You Are And
What You Want’
Of course! Make an inventory,
write a life plan and go from there. Easy. Time consuming, but easy. Ok, this
is me, this is where I am going, and this is what I want, this is who I need …
After two hours I had …(drum roll)…My Life in Three Pages! MFG was dozing by
now, looking for all the world like a garden gnome in drag. “Next!” MFG
startled then scowled, eyed me suspiciously and grumbled something about a
slave-driver. The wand glowed – and across the room the scattered Scrabble
letters came clattering together.
‘LEARN HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT’
Sounded good. I knew I needed
to get a handle on this whole dating business.
Of course! The marriage
market is a market like any other. Finding the right person comes down to a
numbers game. Ah, now that I understood. Somehow I had spent a decade working
in recruitment and never realized the similarities. Advertise, cull, interview,
trial. Standing in front of my jobseeker groups I would tell them – you have to
make 100 contacts, to achieve 10 interviews, to get 1 job. Pace yourself – it
will happen, IF you put the work in. Want to recruit a life partner? Scout,
Sort, Screen and Test!
By George, I’d got it!
”BE THE CHOOSER”
Be the Chooser. Ah, what a
novel idea! This was a concept easy to like. Waiting for a prospect to
interpret your interest correctly and then make all the right moves is like
hopping into a taxi and expecting the driver to guess your destination. Sort of
like “I am woman – hear me drop hints.” What a relief to see an end of all the
waiting, hoping and nail-biting.
Bless you David Steele, bless
you, bless you, bless you!
Oh, yes, I could see that
now. When you first marry, you marry for love. All the ideals, hopes and dreams
of youth converge on that single day when you pledge “I do – for the rest of my
life”. And you mean it. Your love will conquer the world. You will grow old
together, smiling and holding hands and looking more alike every year. After
all, you have so much in common: 1) You are both young, and 2) You are both
broke. You just know that life will get better and better.
But life has a habit of
getting in the way of our best laid plans. One day you wake up and it is over.
Second time around, with
seven years of singlehood in between, I took the plunge again. None of this
‘fall in love’ business. That is what did me in last time. Nope, head decision
– I will fall in love after the wedding.
Except shortly after the
wedding, my hubby was captured by aliens. In his place they left a look-alike
that snarled, sulked and frequently ran home to mother. My final ultimatum was
to choose between his temper and me. WARNING: do not try this at home if you
have fragile self-esteem. My subsequent remarriage was a triumph of stupidity
over commonsense – reminiscent of Groucho Marx’s claim of having worked his way
up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
OK, so I’d tried using my
heart, then my head, then nothing at all. Now Conscious Dating was
telling me I could learn to use both. At the same time. I could do that.
Like Attracts Like
Yes! My own experience was
proof of this. My last husband had turned up when I was ill, out of work, and
broke. He was so bad he should have come with a warning. He didn’t like himself
either – like Groucho he wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept
him as a member. To get a quality mate, I had to be a quality person in as many
ways as I could.
“Full instructions appear later!”
Be Ready And Available For Commitment
Create a Support Community
Gain Relationship Knowledge and Skills
Practice Assertiveness
Be A Successful Single
Somehow I knew he was right.
He was out there. But it wasn’t time to find him just yet - I had some practice
to do. So over the next 18 months I honed my skills – always making it clear to
a prospective date that I was open to, but not seeking, a permanent
relationship at that time. What can I say? I got good at it! And it was fun.
Knowing I had choices, and that I could attract the kind of man I was seeking,
was liberating. My HR skills paid off handsomely as I ‘interviewed’ one
candidate after another. I learnt what I liked and what I didn’t; how to spot
the red flags that indicated a second round interview wasn’t warranted; and how
to care for my own best interests. Careful vetting of my (largely) internet
dating contacts meant I never had an unpleasant experience. So many men – so
little time!
But one day I felt I was
ready. As I logged in one evening, I closed my eyes in a quick prayer: “Lord, I
have done enough dating and I am ready. Tonight lead me to the one I have been
looking for all along”. That is when I found David. From first contact he was
besotted and determined to have me. In true Conscious Dating style, I placed
him on the list of ‘possibles’ and kept meeting other people! I was still
learning to like safe, normal and sane, and it took longer than I had thought.
But each time I wavered I would go back to my essential requirements of a mate
– this kept me on track and ensured ultimate success. And I was diligent about guarding
my own heart. No commitment of any sort until all the information I needed was
in! Luckily, David is a man who relishes a challenge. He showed remarkable
patience and wisdom in adapting himself to my dating schedule and didn’t panic
even though it was another ten weeks before I removed my profiles from the
dating sites and said, “OK, let’s give this a go”. I was willing to walk away
in a heartbeat if necessary – something totally beyond me before I learnt about
Conscious Dating, but so empowering now knowing that I could do it. But he
never gave me cause to doubt him in any way – and in the end, love won out.
David was not the one I thought I would love, but he was the one I needed to
love. I had finally developed a taste for a sweet, kind man who just wanted to
love me till death.
Almost two years later we
tied the knot to the joyous chorus of our guests: "We your family and
friends now pronounce you MARRIED!”.
The joy of that day has only
grown with the passage of time – together we have faced many of life’s
challenges and continue to adore and cherish one another. My husband is a
quiet, loving man not given to displays of strong emotion. During courtship he
was a man who loved constantly - as freely and devotedly as a child. There is a
saying that goes: ‘No man is worthy of your tears – and the one who is will
never make you cry’. There is only one time my husband has ever made my heart
ache, and that was the morning after our wedding. We’d reached “Wildernest” our
honeymoon mountain retreat, unpacked our things and stopped to breathe deeply
of the cool mountain air. Outside the bellbirds’ calls echoed from peak to
peak, the morning mist was still rising from lush rainforest gullies. Here I
could feel a gentle peace casting solace over the fierce joy and solid
assurance his love had brought to my life. I reached for his hands and finally
told him – told him so he surely understood: “You know, I really DO love you”.
His eyes brimmed with sudden tears, and I felt ashamed. It had been a long
journey for him, with no guarantees his love would be returned, but he chose to
love anyway. This was the man I needed – he had proven it endlessly over the
two years since we’d met, and unfailingly in the years ever since. As I say to
my darling husband now: “Sweetheart, of all my husbands, you are the most
recent!” No really – he’s a keeper, this one. In fact, though it’s taken 4
weddings, he is the only real husband I have ever had.
Postscript from
Jeanette:
Dear Reader,
You can see why I am so
grateful for the principles of Conscious
Dating, which gave me the recipe for success after so many awful failures. I
can laugh about them now, but you can appreciate that up until I met David I
had a very pain-filled life.
Have you ever had bad
toothache for days? Then you go get it fixed, and the next morning you wake up
with this wonderful sense of relief... I wake up everyday and feel that relief.
It's God's work that David
Steele and Conscious Dating are doing - nothing less. Saving people from
heartache is just a big as finding a cure for cancer. Fair dinkum - oops -
Aussie expression! You can see why I love spreading the news...
Sincerely Yours,
Jeanette Ball
NSW, Australia
THE INTERNET DATING ROLLERCOASTER:
7 WAYS TO EVEN OUT THE RIDE
s of replies that you receive.
1. Congratulations - this is a bold step. Now stay in charge of the process
© 2006 Trisha Stone
Transform your humdrum life in 5 steps
Step 1 – Move
out of Indecision
Step – 3 Change
Dating/Relationships & Independence:
Women over 35 keeping life in balance
How do you find the balance between your own
independent life and being in a relationship? For some women this is about facing your worst fear that you will
somehow lose yourself along the way. You can find out how to make sure that you
don’t give up on yourself whilst being in a relationship. Five surefire ways of keeping you independent
and happy whilst dating and finding a relationship that is the right balance
for you.
What
must be in place for a relationship to work?
1. Make
your ‘must haves’ list for your independent life
2. Make
a list of your requirements in a partner
3. Remain
The Chooser when dating and finding a relationship
4. Stick
to your lists – share them with a friend and get them to remind you if you
start to slip
5. Learn
to say ‘no’ early in the relationship if things don’t fit – they won’t change
just because you hope they will!
5 Biggest Internet Dating Mistakes
& Their Solutions
Dating after a divorce is tough. Let’s face it getting back into dating
at any time is a minefield. You don’t quite know where to start so here are a
few internet dating mistakes and their solutions.
So you have been ploughing through those endless profiles on your
internet dating site and have come up with someone who interests you. There has been an exchange of emails. He sounds fun and witty and you begin to look
forward to his messages. You find
yourself getting up earlier in the morning just to log on whilst you drink your
coffee to see if he has sent a response to your latest remarks. During the day you compile witty replies in
your head and suggestive lines to throw his way. This has gone on for a couple of weeks and
he suddenly asks if he can call you. Your chest expands; you are really excited and arrange a time. Now you are curled up in your favourite
chair waiting for the call. Guess what
it goes well, the same light banter, his voice is not what you expect but that
is OK. You talk for an hour. This becomes a daily ritual which you begin
to plan your time around. And then he invites you to dinner…
It has been a while since someone invited you out to dinner (you may be
just starting dating after your divorce). Your immediate thought is what to wear, need my hair done etc. This means that you spend the best part of
a week running around with the one thought in your mind “I must get this
right”. You seem to have disappeared
and you feel that you need to invent a new person to go on this date. In order to be that person you have to
package yourself in some particular way. There must be some key that you can find, a particular dress, new
haircut etc. You believe that you need
to make yourself more appealing.
The evening has arrived and you meet at the arranged restaurant (good
step, as all the dating advice recommends that you meet in a public place). You
are especially nervous and excited but also slightly uncomfortable because the
shoes are new and you feel a bit wobbly in them. It is strange you recognise
this person but at the same time you don’t. The voice you know that but he does not look like the person in the
photograph, taller, shorter a bit heavier or gangly something is not as you
imagined. Anyway he seems quite at ease
but maybe that is just a contrast to how you are feeling. Initially conversation is going well as there
are points of contact from your previous conversations but it isn’t going
anywhere. By the main course you are
starting to drink a little too much to fill in the silences. Your feet really hurt now and you are taking
surreptitious glances at your watch – only 9 o’clock. No dessert thanks and by the way you have
an early start in the office tomorrow so you have to go soon. Can’t think of anything but getting out of
the shoes. Yes it was good, do call me…
Next day or later in the week, the emails/calls are still coming and you
continue to respond. It’s a though you
have never met and you can get on with the easy going repartee that has become
almost a habit. In your mind he is
something you want him to be, well not quite but you can have yourself believe
that he is whilst you exchange messages and late night calls. You are starting to develop a whole life in
your head around this person, you imagine where you can live with him, what you
will do, holidays together in fact everything you ever want with someone. This is taking up a lot of head space but
that is enjoyable in itself, you feel connected to someone if only in your
mind.
A week or so more and you are becoming slightly irritated by the emails
and are not responding quite so readily. But he asks you if you want to come out for another evening and that
heart leaps to your throat again. You
agree even though there is a vague memory of discomfort from the first meeting. Well you remind yourself that all the dating
advice recommends that it is about getting to know someone. I can’t expect to feel comfortable about
everything immediately. He is
suggesting dinner again, you don’t really want to but you are not sure what you
want to do so you go along with it. You
had arranged to see a girl-friend that night but you tell her you can’t make
it, she seems a bit put-out but you put that thought aside.
The second evening seems very long.
Dating
Advice: Don’t make a big investment
emotionally in any relationship without solid foundations.
Dating
Advice: Packaging is not the answer, be
clear about who you are, what you want in a relationship and set about finding
it in a considered way.
Dating
Advice: How is it we plan for everything except relationships? Take some time
to plan what you want in a relationship before you get into a habit or rut with
someone.
Dating
Advice: Spread the emotional load by
giving your attention to a number of people, it helps deal with the ups and
downs of the dating cycle if you are not exclusive right from the start.
Dating
Advice: Get out there and have any
dating and relationships fit in with your life as a successful single. Know what your requirements, needs and wants
are and look for someone who can meet these.
© 2006 Trisha Stone
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