LESSONS FROM THE STARS:
KYLIE SPLITS FROM HER PARTNER
Not that I really follow the celebrity
news but I just happened to notice a couple of weeks ago that Kylie Minogue
(38) has split from her boyfriend of 4 years, Olivier Martinez (42). What I found really interesting is that there
are some issues attached to this story that you might find relevant to you.
BEING
FAMOUS & BEING YOU
We know that celebrities often have
turbulent personal lives. Even though
Kylie is at the peak of her career playing to sell out audiences throughout the
world and appears to have everything going for her, age, looks, lifestyle etc.
making a relationship work still has problems. You are unlikely to be in the same position
as her but some of her issues will be your issues. There are solutions when you
allow yourself to become a “Conscious Dater”.
FIDELITY
+ HISTORY
It seems that what broke up the
relationship, if you are to believe the media, was his lack of fidelity. Fidelity is often one of the main
requirements that people have in a relationship. How can you prepare yourself for such a
situation? Well, the preparation comes
right at the beginning of the relationship. In relationships people tend to repeat their patterns until they become
conscious about these and then make substantial efforts to change them.
When you first meet someone and they
begin to tell you about their relationship histories this is the time to listen
very carefully. Are they telling you
that they seem to move from one relationship to another very quickly? Are their
stories about why this kept happening plausible? If you try to put your heart on one side for
a minute, no matter how much you fancy them, think about what was happening
from the other person’s point of view. Where would you have been in a similar situation? Is
there more to this than they are allowing you to see?
Above all, if they come clean and tell
you they have not been faithful to their partners in the past don’t let the
blinkers of the first flush of the relationship overshadow your critical
facilities. However much you hope you
are “the one” and ignore that niggling voice believing that all you have to do
is to dedicate yourself to them. Sorry
to say that however much you hope things were or will be different this person
is more than likely to repeat the patterns of their past with you as well. Only if they are really honest with
themselves and are looking for lasting change is there any chance that things
might turn out differently.
FUN
& COMMITMENT
Kylie & Olivier went through some
heavy stuff together, including her recovery from breast cancer, but still the
relationship did not last. Reading
between the lines, there seem to have been issues around fun versus
commitment. A lot of people think that
all they have to do is to keep faith with a relationship and it will turn into
commitment. Unfortunately it does not
seem to work this way - especially when it starts out as a fun relationship.
When I work with people I help them
decide if they are looking for short-term recreational dating or a long-term
committed relationship. It is up to you
to decide, depending on where you are in your life. The important point is that the strategies
are very different and recreational dating does not often convert comfortably
to commitment. This is why many people
who have been dating a long-time, and then decide to get married, end by
splitting up. Your objectives with
recreational dating or committed relationship are very different.
MY
MESSAGE TO KYLIE
What Kylie needs to do right now is to
take some space for herself and to think about what are her most important
requirements and needs in a relationship. Clearly fidelity is on that list somewhere. There will be other unique requirements which
for her characterise her perfect relationship. As for all of you your requirements are those “must haves” in a
relationship without which it cannot work. Your needs are those emotional and functional parts that can be
negotiated. I know that some people
negotiate lack of fidelity but it is very hard work and often requires a lot of
compromise.
MY
MESSAGE TO YOU
The good news in all this is that you can
learn from other people’s experiences if you use the information wisely. How often are you able to see what is going
on with your friend’s relationships but get trapped in difficult situations
yourself? This is where becoming a
“Conscious Dater” comes in. The clearer
you can become about recognising your own patterns and history the more likely
you are to be able to change this. Your
tools are your own unique list of requirements and needs.
No matter how beautiful, famous or
successful you are it still works the same way. If you are looking for a long-term committed relationship get your pen
and paper out and give it some serious thought. The work you are prepared to do whilst not
in a relationship will reap the rewards when you are ready to find that special
someone.
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