Setting Your Relationship Goals

  YOUR DATING GOALS

 “My overall experience of men has been disappointing but I still seem to be hooked…I’m still up for more disappointment”.

                                                                                                                                                Annie Lennox

Expecting Disappointment

It is a sad reflection of our experience when even a famous, successful and talented person like Annie Lennox feels that the only thing that she can expect from a relationship is disappointment. So many of us, both men and women, have at sometime had our foundations rocked like this in the past. However, if we set ourselves up for future disappointment then guess what that is what you will probably get in the future. The interesting thing is that we still, even with this mindset, are prepared to take the plunge - or not.

Fear As The Limiting Factor

Because we have been disappointed in relationship we become more and more fearful of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in the future. Often this means that we draw into ourselves and fill our lives with other things. We kid ourselves that we are OK and can live life without a relationship. After all why would we want to be hurt again?

I have recently been talking to a lot of people about their biggest dating and relationship issues. Fear of being hurt has been the most repeated theme. Many describe how they have taken themselves out of the ‘dating scene’ because they are so cautious now. 

Relationship Patterns

When I work with single people one of the most enlightening parts of the work is when we visit their past relationship histories. This not only covers their romantic experiences but those with their parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues. What they come to realise is that there are often deep seated patterns that they have been repeating throughout their adult lives. In coaching we uncover and have people become conscious about these patterns. They are often not the most obvious of things and can be startlingly revealing.

Planning Your Relationship Strategy

It has been said before and I will say it again. We plan for many things in our lives, careers, finance, homes but we do not consciously plan what we want in relationships. Relationship coaching gives people time out to do this. It is a time to step back and perhaps for the first time allow yourself to say what you really really want in a relationship. Now I know that many people believe, and it is only a belief, that they can’t choose what they want. They either believe that it will just happen or they should settle for whoever comes along. Even more common is the belief that their ideal doesn’t exist; there is a scarcity of suitable people, especially when you are over 35.

Once you accept the idea that relationships can be planned, and you can be very strategic about this, then you have a number of resources at your fingertips. You will know what you want and what you don’t want. You will become clearer what your boundaries are in a relationship. You will become ‘the chooser’ in relationships.

Setting Relationship Goals

In coaching you will learn, through revealing exercises how to bring these resources to your aid. You will then have a set of goals that you are looking to achieve. I have spoken before about Requirements, Needs and Wants. These are the foundations of your plan. Your Requirements are your deal breakers. If these are not met then the relationship is unlikely to prosper. If one of your requirements is ‘honesty’ (and that will be different for everyone) when you new date becomes evasive about an area of their life your antennae will be twitching. This Requirement is a real must for you and you will need to satisfy yourself that this person can meet this Requirement. 

Just a little aside particularly for us women. It is said that many of us meet someone and then spend the time in the relationship trying to change a man. If you are clear about your Requirements you can at a very early stage face up to the fact that if your Requirements are not met they are unlikely to be met in the future. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. So by having clear goals you can find out really early on, and I am talking about 4 – 6 dates here, whether your Requirements will be met by this person.

Setting Yourself Up For Success In Relationships

So it is about becoming clear so that you can set up your own strategies and goals. When you are in this situation you will have become ‘The Chooser’ and no longer be aimlessly hoping that the ‘right person’ will turn up on your doorstep. Believe me I am talking from personal experience in this and it has worked for me. I had to face up to some serious stuff when it came to old relationship patterns. 

Are you prepared to do some work? Would you like to become the navigator of your own relationship life, and by the way the by-product of this is that you become the guide for your whole life. People often tell me about the spin offs in other areas such as careers, family etc. It does take work but who can be more important than you? Becoming successful in relationships is about becoming strategic on your own behalf.

Think about all your relationships and what themes have blighted them in the past and what themes have made them work. Think about some of the values that are important to you and where and with whom they have been honoured. Also where these values have been trodden on, that is when things have made you angry and frustrated. This will be a useful start to becoming pro-active on your own behalf. Make a commitment to yourself and do some useful thinking.

 

© 2006 Trisha Stone

 

Comments

[Will]

I find it sad that women would go into a relationship with 'fears' about the direction or final outcome of that relationship. I think women tend to be more emotional than men, and working on their goals is definitely an exercise that should benefit them and go some way to alleviate those fears. However, it all sounds a little clinical to me and perhaps one-sided? Quite often, people (men and women) are the orchestrators of their own demise in terms of relationship disharmony. Perhaps teaching women to create goals that also focus on how much effort they provide to their partner, in a way which he understands, could actually be very beneficial. Too many women seem frightened to make an effort, on the off-chance they become slaves to their partner and he takes advantage (which does happen). I think the one key ingredient in relationship success if for both people to eradicate their unreasonable fears and to recognise that a relationship is a two-way partnership and not one person trying to fulfil their life with little regard to the life/needs of the other.