Deadline Junkie:
no time for a relationship
I want a relationship BUT…
When talking to singles about relationship there is
one theme that I often hear “I would like to be in a relationship BUT I don’t
have the time”. This is particularly
prevalent for the 35+ age group. You are trying to build your careers, you
have a lot of pressure and dating and finding a relationship is not top of your
list. Although you think it is! Recently I asked a client to list her life
goals in terms of priorities and relationships came 6th for
her. She found this quite a revelation
especially as I was working with her as a relationship coach.
Old habits – last minute
Old habits die hard. Most of us have been brought up with a last minute attitude. This originated in our education system where
we aimed at external deadlines. Let’s
face it in the main we are not taught to plan our lives very effectively.
So we get used to back loading our tasks and
activities. I have all these things to
do and not much time so I don’t need to think about this until the week
before. Then the adrenaline kicks in
and we push ourselves to the finishing post often accompanied by a lot of
anxiety and stress. I have termed this
kind of behaviour the ‘deadline junkie’. You know that it would be better to arrange your life differently but
somehow you are caught in a treadmill.
Relationship Time - speed-dating /internet dating/bar culture
How is this translated into the dating scene? Well we have all seen the ballooning of speed-dating,
internet dating and the bar culture. These ways of meeting potential dates and finding relationships has
become part of the 21st century culture because of peoples’
perceived lack of time. If you perceive
yourself as having little time then you look for the ‘fastest’ and most
efficient way of doing things.
After all you meet a lot of people in a very short
amount of time. This way of looking at
dating and finding relationships is the ‘numbers game’ attitude. The more people I meet the more likely I am
to meet someone who is for me. Well I
would like to dispel that myth; it is not about numbers but essentially about
quality and fit. How can you go about
being more effective in finding quality and fit in dating and relationships?
Creating space & balance for relationships and dating
Creating space and balance in life sounds like an old
cliché. Be more pro-active in planning
and take steps to find more quality time for activities where you are more
likely to find a quality relationship.
For a week note down how much time you spend on the
following activities: work, friends/family, dating activity (including all
those hours on the internet), health, home, personal development plus any other
major activity. Now think about the
efficiency of the activities.
Research into relationships has shown that you are
much more likely to meet someone if you are involved in an activity in which
you both have a strong interested. This
is not hanging about in bars or speed- dating but something like off-road
biking, photography, salsa dancing, volunteering etc. Whatever the activity that interests you, if at all possible something you are
passionate about, then not only will you be balancing your life BUT be putting
yourself in a situation where you are more likely to meet prospective quality dates.
Take the Time for Relationships
So take a cool hard look at the balance of your
life. I work with people on their relationships and help
them to plan their lives as successful singles whilst looking for a
relationship. Being successfully
single includes offering a potential relationship a fully rounded person not a
20 second response (that is what it takes in speed-dating & internet
dating).
And remember if you don’t have much time then you want
to use what you have as effectively and efficiently as possible to date and
find a relationship. Remember if you fail to plan then you plan to fail.
© Trisha Stone 2006
Comments